Old joke

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Just plain offensive

Just got this from Blogger. "Thank you! The address, fluffyworld.blogspot.com has been ad-neutered. Your card has been charged US$15.00. You are paid through the next year. You will recieve an email next year before your payment expires to see if you want to renew. Thanks again. Have a great day!"

Typical human attitude. Ad-neutered, no less. Since when did a cat ever get neutered and "have a great day"? Huh? I've never been able to do the dirty since the BFFP got me fixed. Good thing she stumps up on the food front or I'd be blowing her out.

He cut animals up and puts them on show...

...so good to see Damien Hirst squirm. He's had to apologise for saying, about 11th September: "You've got to hand it to them on some level because they've achieved something which nobody would have thought possible, especially to a country as big as America. So on one level they need congratulating, which a lot of people shy away from, which is a very dangerous thing."

Thing is, he's apologising for the offence he's caused and not the arty rubbish he was talking. Still, I must admit the first thing I said was "Miaow" when I saw what had happened. By the way, the problem with a blog is you don't get the intonation. That particular "Miaow" roughly translates as "f*** me!"

She's mad

The BFFP has just been showing me this very blog. "Isn't it cute?" she says. Like I didn't know about it. I'M WRITING THIS, YOU FOOL!

I definitely think she patronises me. Every time she discusses me with the Night Time Noise Maker, she's always referring to me as "cute" and "gorgeous". Like, hello! I know that I'm cute and gorgeous, but I'm no bimbo.

Bet she hasn't got a blog.

Brassic book buyer

The Big Familiar Food Provider has committed herself to writing a review of a book from the Booker Prize long-list. For ignorant readers, Booker are a cash-and-carry wholesaler. Most crucially, this means they sell catfood. Therefore, the Booker Prize must be a good thing, even if none of the books actually seem to be about catfood.

Trouble is, the BFFP is absolutely skint, so it won't be happening this week. Which suits me as any extended period of writing would lead to a dearth of attention for me. This is made worse by the fact that she can get a bit constipated when she writes, unlike yours truly.

Welcome to my world!

Thank you for reading this. It is obviously something of a first for a cat to have their own blog, especially quite an old and doddery cat like me. I'm 13 years old - that's 91 in human years. I'm losing it a bit, to be honest. I'm going a bit deaf, I dislike change and I have a tendency to poo in places I'm not supposed to. What can I do? Hide a colostomy bag under the fur? It's a non-starter.

Still, I've just moved to a new pad in Peckham which is nice. Like the garden, even if I am a bit wary of it. There's a young, all-white cat next door who is clearly an idiot. I can't be bothered talking to it, so I just hiss at it instead.