The news of the day as seen from the perspective of a pensionable domestic moggy called Fluffy.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

The water cooler (2)

She ended up putting a bowl down for me to drink out of because she was worried about me. Their mood swings from concern to annoyance, resolution to weakness. I have, as they say, got their number. Of course, you have to play these things very carefully. You can only be petulant for so long before they're dropping you in a bath of freezing cold water and saying 'drink that, you awkward little shit'. But I have long since found that diplomacy was a better method of achieving one's ends, partly because pensionable moggies are easily picked up and dumped in baths, and partly because it appeals to the chess player within me. Although, I can't actually play chess. I have tried, but I usually get accused of trying to eat the pieces. All I can say is, 'try picking them up without an opposable thumb!'

BTW if the RSPCA are reading this, they have never actually dropped me into a bath of freezing cold water and my recent weight loss is due to a desire to look fashionably thin. Heroin chic is all the rage amongst cats, don't you know.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

The grim reaper

Another 'gadget' got delivered on Monday. A spade-type thing, but with the metal bit sticking up at an angle. Looks a bit like something Death might use as an implement. Perhaps she's getting a bit of work on the side culling the old folks. Might be good: respectable wages, hours to suit etc. Or maybe it's piecework.

Don't go chasing waterfalls

She came home on Saturday with a gadget. A "water cooler" - for me. Now, I have to say I remain suspicious of this creation. It looks a little bit like a urinal with a trickle of water coming down a little slope in the middle. How am I to be sure that he isn't using it as a urinal? I will take a slow and careful approach to inspecting it (a bit like Hans Blix but not like Bush or Blair).

Nonetheless, they are desperate to have me drink from it. First, it was the pointing. "Water, Fluffy! Water!" Yes, I know it's water! Do they think I'm stupid (don't answer that)? Then, they started splashing it, but this only resulted in a wet carpet. Now, they've taken to putting small pieces of ham on the edge of the bowl. Which is great, 'cos all I normally get is dried food and, frankly, it's a bit boring. Not to mention the fact that it ain't doing too much for my breath. So, a bit of ham is great.

And they seriously believe putting ham out will encourage me to drink. How can I ensure a continuing supply of ham? By NOT drinking the water.